One of the great things about the internet for ageing comeback musicians like ourselves is its ability to keep bands in touch with acquaintances old and new. With that in mind we’re delighted to introduce our long lost but loyal friend, Bartholomew Devere. Barth holds the rare honour of being ‘there’ back at the height of the struggle in the 1980’s. His loyal and unswerving dedication to the band can even be witnessed on the re-released ‘At Ebbw Vale’ (well worth buying!). Listen out for his hands clapping at one point.
Anyway, Barth always had his finger on the pulse when it comes to the human condition and so we asked him to write a piece for our blog; his take on the Coalition based on his experience – an experience formed on the revolutionary frontline and latterly as a professional counsellor. We hope Barth can help you come to terms with our new political masters and stay alert to their cunning. Over to you Barth!
Let me begin by saying what a tremendous honour this is for me. Thee Faction changed my life. Their arrival back on the scene fills me with hope for a better future. Do buy their album. I was there and if my memory serves, it was quite a good gig – and those really are my hands.
Since May this year people have been coming to see me in their droves desperate for closure on the whole sordid episode that was the General Election 2010. The man on the street is aghast, confused and simply astounded by what happened. The depth of feeling amongst the British public is strong. One man I met immediately after the election fired a series of salvos which neatly sum up the angst felt by many when he said: “How did these cunts get in?”; followed by “Who the fuck voted for these public school roister doisters?”; and perhaps most powerfully “I hate them with such a passion I could eat my wife’s scarf”. More recently a woman commenting on the severity of the cutbacks had this to say: “These bastards have done more chopping than Oliver, Ramsay and the Karate Kid in a combine harvester!” – strong stuff I think we’d all agree.
So Comrades I thought it might help to bring that closure many of you are seeking if I tackle some of the most common questions people have raised with me. Let’s begin with addressing your concerns with Messieurs Clegg and Cable.
Question: What experience can an old man who hangs around with other old men in the Yorkshire Dales for comedic value possibly have to govern Britain?
I’m not sure the questioner has fully understood Clegg’s background but let’s not dwell on that.
What’s clear about Clegg is that he’s a canny operator. Yes we were impressed with his facility for language but it’s one particular language that he used to best effect to woo the voters: the language of ‘love’. All that sexual boasting certainly made my stomach churn but many were caught off guard by his guile during the hustings. When Clegg spoke to the people he was saying ‘judge me by the energy contained in my trousers and not by what I say, believe in or do”. A simple and effective message that blinded many voters to the evil lurking within the man (and no doubt his trousers).
Question: How could everyone’s favourite uncle, the high wire act incarnate, Vince Cable become such a scumbag turncoat?
Now we’re getting to the meat in the Coalition sandwich. Mr Vince Cable. Couldn’t put a foot wrong pre-election. When the government spoke we all turned to good ol’ Uncle Vince like a child seeking parental assurance. Indeed, when Darling opined it was Vince’s face we looked at: and what an inscrutable face it was. So little did Vince give away that we relied on his word rather than physical gesturing – unlike Clegg – and those words were a distraction from his fancy footwork. How could he switch sides on such principled matters as education and the economy so effortlessly? I’ll tell you how: he was born to shimmy. Vince loves to jig. He is the genuine ‘Mr Quick turn and Sidestep’.
Vince, who’s addicted to ‘Strictly’, spotted a niche: dance on the head of the oi polloi and you can be Kingmaker. It’s a smokescreen like no other. Vince could sell Keynesianism to Adam Smith and when he ran out of money grab Smith’s ‘Invisible Hand’ and sell it back to Keynes as an ergonomically designed garden utensil. Keep this in mind next time Vince hits the airwaves: float like a butterfly sting like a bee thus spoke the chameleon Vince Cableee (ok, it was close).
Enough of the dreadful Lib Dems. Let’s take a look at the questions really keeping people awake at night concerning the nasty party. Yes, the Tories.
Question: Does David Cameron use a chamois leather to get that shine?
It’s oft said the toffs are pre-ordained to rule; that they were hard-wired from birth to govern over us serfs. Years of careful selective breeding help to ensure your ‘toff’ stays ahead and we in Britain lap it up like a thirsty cat in a dairy farm. Where would we be without our beloved class system? Well now is not the time to be distracted by the detail. Now is the time to focus on that shine.
Whatever one says about your toff, some of them do have quite good skin accompanied by an almost hilarious toff jaw line and facial features. Cameron is of course no exception. And just like Clegg (only higher up the torso) Cameron uses his features to deflect his deviousness. It’s only when viewed from the side that one can see his deception in full throttle. For Youtube fans just try searching along the lines of ‘David Cameron giving an interview and filmed from the side highlighting his deceptive nature’ or something similar and you should get close to what I’m talking about here. Watch how while the interviewer asks the question the Big C is in fact surfing the net on his mobile for the perfect ‘centrist’ answer. The interviewer is simply unable to see beyond their own image reflecting in his pristine skin. The man has a complete lack of depth and relies on his shiny face as the Klingons did their invisibility shield to deflect the fact he’s swotting up while the camera rolls. Smart stuff but then Cameron learnt his routine in the media business and some say he hung out with Klingons. REM were on to the likes of Cameron years ago but they confused a good shine with happiness. That’s Americans for you.
Question: Does Osborne wear face paint?
Another well observed question. Gosbo’s deathly pallor is a cunning ‘trust me I’m not overly well’ sympathy ploy to aid the delivery of his evil financial objectives. And let’s be honest, it’s a nice touch. It’s an especially effective double act too – George ostensibly appeals for resuscitation assistance while Dave delivers the sucker punch from beneath that shine.
We knew there was something grim about George in the run up to the election but no one could put their finger on it. Look at him now, very much alive and kicking us where it hurts.
Question: Has Theresa May got a nasty smell under her nose or does she think pulling that face makes her look hard?
A lot has been said about Theresa May. But more of it needs to be said to her face – if one dares! She may have reached the heady heights of the Home Office but she’s been badly advised facially. I’d heard rumours about the ‘Home Office Face’ but it wasn’t until I saw May in charge that I realised she’d taken the joke seriously.
What is it about the Home Office that incumbent Ministers have to be seen to be physically tough? Recall John ‘Attack Dog’ Reid. He may have been associated with our canine friends but let’s be honest, he was no race hound and about as attack dog as Russell Harty (although I believe Reid did piss up a lamp post once).
All of that said, Home Office Face or not, I’d run a mile if ‘Medusa May’ came charging from the behind the bushes over Reid any day of the week.
Lastly, here’s a remarkable question concerning William Hague.
Question: Can William Hague be trusted to book the right number of rooms on a stag weekend?
To be honest this kind of thing annoys me. We socialists espouse the language of gender and sexual equality. Not everyone’s cup of tea I’ll grant you (see Clegg above). But how Hague chooses to spend his time is his business: in short his roger dodger proclivities are a matter for him and his poker. What’s wrong with Hague is quite simply, he’s a Tory. We should not lose site of that and let lowest denominator media splashes divert us from the true filthy reality.
I hope in sharing my analysis that I’ve been able to offer some comfort to those of you struggling to come to terms with the Coalition. My next blog will address more of your questions including; Can Boris pull a wheelie?; After playing the part of the Johnny Cab driver in Total Recall, did Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt star in any other movies?; and is Iain Duncan Smith really an acronym for IDS?
My thanks again to Thee Faction and best of luck with the comeback tour and album relaunch.
Until next time.